Guardian
by Snow Gnat
Summary: The history of the Three Kingdoms through the eyes of a certain guardian spirit tiger.
1. Chapter 1

_Right, this is my first fanfic, so be nice...  
_

_Disclaimer: You guessed it, I don't own Dynasty warriors, Koei does._

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I have witnessed many things in my time, from the fall of the Han to the fall of the Three Kingdoms themselves. Throughout these times, both bad and good, I have watched over Wu. It is my solemn duty; I am the Guardian spirit of Wu, the Tiger of Wu, Mong Hu, Ferocious Tiger.

Right, serious boring part over, I can tell you the _true _history of the Three Kingdoms era. And it may not be quite how you imagined it… you have been warned…

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_OK... I know that was very short, but it was only the introduction, it'll be longer next time, promise! R&R!_


	2. Chapter 2 YCTPW

_I updated!_

**Chapter II- The Yellowy Coloured Turbans and the People Wearing them**

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I suppose the story really begins when Zhang Jiao started to get a bit too big for his boots… maybe that's why he never wore any… but that's beside the point. Zhang Jiao managed to find others who were just as mentally impaired, heaven-obsessed and pro-bare feet as he was, and began the uprising of the Yellowy Coloured Turbans and the People Wearing them (also known as YCTPW). In present times they are known as the Yellow Turbans, obviously there was a mistake in some history book or other and people started to believe that the Han were actually fighting strips of yellow cloth… the people who believe this aren't far off.

So anyway, the call to arms (although legs were said to be helpful as well) sounded across China, and the summons were answered by various warriors, three of which we are particularly interested in, Liu Bei, Cao Cao and dear old Sun Jian. So that's the background history lesson for today, and I'm sure you're itching to find out what _really _happened at the Yellowy Coloured Turbans and the People Wearing them's Rebellion...

He Jin cleared his throat. "Ahem. AHEM. AHEM! Do I have your attention?"

Cao Cao mooed.

He Jin rested his head in his hands. "This is what comes of being a faceless character, damn Koei!" he muttered. "Okay, listen up people; this is the strategy for the battle."

Two privates who had been playing cards looked up.

He Jin sighed and took a deep breath. "EVERYONE WHO LISTENS WILL BE GIVEN A PORK BUN!"

Everyone fell silent.

"Thank you. Now listen carefully: Cao Cao, you shall advance from the East, and Sun Jian from the West. The Volunteer Forces," He indicated Liu Bei, "Will break through the middle and join the other two forces. Everyone know what they're doing? Any questions?"

Liu Bei raised his hand. "I have a question."

He Jin nodded. "Go ahead."

"Why are my forces called the 'Volunteer Forces?' "

He Jin blinked. "Because… you are?

"But why? Aren't we all volunteers?"

Jin scratched his head. "Ummm…" He paused. "Right! Session over!" He ran off.

Liu Bei looked confused for a moment. "Ookaay…" He and his brothers left, Cao Cao and his cousins following.

Sun Jian was left sitting there. "What about the pork bun…?"

The soldier sitting in the front lines of the YCTPW jumped up suddenly. "They're coming! Those sane, down-to-earth, anti-bare feet Han are coming!" He screamed and ran around in circles for a few minutes while his fellow soldiers watched him.

After a while he stopped, panting. "Did you hear me? The enemy is coming!"

One of the soldiers grinned stupidly at him.

"What?"

The soldier looked at the panicked YCTPW's back. "You have a sticker saying 'kick me' on your back."

"Who put it there?"

The soldier shrugged.

The first soldier blinked.

The second soldier blinked back.

The first soldier blinked again.

The second soldier blinked back.

That was when the first Han unit came through.

Both soldiers looked up and blinked.

The Han soldier hit them over the head with his shield.

The two YCTPWs blinked and toppled over.

You can tell Zhang Jiao didn't hire his troops for their brains.

Meanwhile, Sun Jian's forces were advancing.

"Huang Gai!"

"Yes sir?"

Sun Jian gave him a funny look. (Not funny Ha-ha, funny odd) "You're blowing up our troops…"

"I am?"

Sun Jian watched his loyal officer throw a bomb and blow up another unit. "Yes."

"Really?" Huang Gai threw another bomb.

Sun Jian frowned. "You're enjoying this aren't you?"

Huang Gai nodded.

Jian stared at him for a moment before rolling his eyes and charging into battle.

"_Zhang Liang, Zhang Liang, I grant you power!"_

Zhang Liang looked down at his hands. "YES!" He pulled off his robes and underneath was a tight yellow outfit with orange underpants pulled over the trousers, SZL emblazoned on the chest.

"**SUPER ZHANG LIANG!"**

The soldiers around him stared.

"He's finally cracked" One soldier whispered to his companion. He nodded.

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_That was chapter 2, still short, but better that the last one..._

**AI: **Thanks for reviewing! My one reviewer...


	3. Chapter 3 The fall of bare feet

_Yup. Part two, chapter two is up.  
(Thinks of something more interesting to say)  
Ummm, read on!_

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Cao Cao's section of the army was approaching Liu Bei's forces when something streaked over their heads. The troops looked up. 

"Is it a bird?" Questioned a random troop.

"Is it a plane?" Wondered another.

A third troop was about to say: "No, it's Super Zhang Liang!" but he paused and stared at the second troop.

"What?"

"What's a plane?"

The second troop, a sergeant, shrugged.

The third soldier stared a moment longer before raising his eyebrows. "No, it's Super Zhang Liang!"

A figure landed before them on a mound of sand, silhouetted in front of the low sun. "Yes, I am the one and only Super Zhang Liang! And I have come to defeat you evil villains!"

One of Cao Cao's soldiers glared at the Yellow Turban, steam coming out of his ears. "This is all because we're Cao Cao's army, isn't it? People always assume we're the bad guys."

Super Zhang Liang stared. "Umm, no?"

The soldier was fuming. "That's a lie and you know it! If we were Liu Bei's team, you would be saving us from an evil octopus of something."

Super Zhang Liang blinked. "An evil octopus?"

The livid soldier seemed to calm slightly. "Why not?"

Liang frowned. "Well, it's just odd, that's all…"

The soldier contemplated this for a moment. "Hang on! You're just trying to change the subject aren't you?" His face turned crimson again and steam gushed from his ears, making a whistling noise like a train. Liang backed away. "Good angry sergeant, heel. No! Don't get out your weapon! No! Ahhh!"

Liang flew off just as the sergeant's weapon landed exactly where Super Zhang Liang had been standing seconds before.

Liu Bei's forces were waiting for Sun Jian and Cao Cao's soldiers to arrive on the scene when out of the blue a monstrous squid-like creature abruptly burst forth from the sand. No, not a squid… an octopus?

Various troops screamed and yelled for their mummies, but before they could do anything a yellow streak flashed across the sky and came to land in front of the mottled grey octopus.

"Do not fear! Super Zhang Liang is here! I have come to save you from this evil octopus!"

Somewhere on the horizon, where Cao Cao's troops were advancing from, a sergeant groaned. "I TOLD YOU SO!" He yelled.

Super Zhang Liang looked up for a moment at the sound of a distant call of: "I told you so", frowned and then shook his head. "Do not fear, forces of the virtuous Liu Bei," He hollered, wrestling with the octopus. "I shall save you from the wrath of this evil slimy villain!"

The octopus stopped lashing at Super Zhang Liang with its suckered tentacles and glowered at him. "I resent that. I am _not _slimy. I am covered in dry, I repeat, _dry_ sand."

Liang looked down. "Sorry." He apologised. "I'll rephrase that." He bellowed down at the troops below him. "Do not fear, forces of the virtuous Liu Bei, I shall save you from the wrath of this _dry _and _sandy_ villain!" Liang glanced at the octopus. "That better?"

The octopus nodded. "Much better."

"Good." Liang's voice dropped to a whisper. "Now comes the part where I kill you and you stage a dramatic death, okay?"

The octopus grinned. "Yes! My chance has finally come!" Stars sparkled in his eyes. "I'm quite the actor you know." He added. "Why in my day I was known as-"

"Yes, yes, yes, I look forward to your performance, now, here goes nothing!" Liang closed his eyes for a moment before continuing in a much louder voice. "Now!" He said, full of bravado. "You shall terrorise these poor innocents no longer, I, Super Zhang Liang shall slay you!" And with that he plunged his sword into the creature's heart…

Ah, I must say this before continuing, it is a well known fact that octopus' squirt black ink when in danger, however, it is not so well known that human eyes actually see things upside-down. That was random…

Where was I… ah yes…

Zhang Liang's sword missed by about three metres and glanced off the octopus' thick hide. To someone standing below them, however, it would have looked as if the octopus had been stabbed.

The octopus spouted black ink from a tentacle held over his wound. "Nooo!" He said. "I'm melting! Melting!"

A soldier screamed. "Ewwies! He has black blood!" That caused another panic as troops scrambled over one another, presenting an ideal opportunity for the octopus to silently slink underneath the sand again, leaving a huge pool of black ink on the surface. He managed to do this all without being noticed, except by Super Zhang Liang, and me of course. (I had been standing in the shadows in my spirit form all this time, watching the spectacle.)

"Look!" Zhang Liang called. "I have slain the evil _slimy _octopus!"

I can imagine that at this point the octopus was sorely tempted to surface again and beat the so called 'Super Zhang Liang' to a pulp, but he stayed still for the sake of good acting.

The heads of Liu Bei's forces turned.

"YAY!" They shouted as one. "SUPER ZHANG LIANG HAS DEAFEATED THE EVIL _SLIMY _OCTOPUS!"

I can honestly say that, if I had been the octopus, I would have erupted from the ground and taught those insolent soldiers _and_ 'Super Zhang Liang' a lesson. As it was, I was not the evil octopus, I was, and still am, Mong Hu, affectionately known by some as 'Mongie', and I found the _slimy_ comments exceptionally amusing, and all I did was laugh.

The octopus did not resurface and a Super Zhang Liang had time for a final quote before he flew off, invisible string, harness and all: "Wherever there is trouble, or justice needs to be done, do not fear, for Super Zhang Liang will be there!" And with that, he was gone, swinging along by the transparent rope that held him aloft.

Meanwhile, Sun Jian and Huang Gai were approaching the main camp of the YCTPW.

A yellow-clad general stood before them, sipping a cup of tea.

Sun Jian stared.

The general closed his eyes as a far-distant voice sounded in his head. _'Zhang Bao, Zhang Bao! I grant you power…'_

Zhang Bao's eyes snapped open. "Yes. I feel the power…" With that he snapped his fingers and the cup he was holding was suddenly full to the brim with tea. "Wait." He said. "I am not done yet." He slowly placed the teacup on the ground and raised his arms above his head, Sun Jian and Huang Gai watching him apprehensively. Zhang Bao's hands glowed gold…

Oh, hang on a sec. That's better. Ahhh, sorry, dead leg. Been in the same position too long, I tend to do that when I'm telling a story. People think that ghosts and suchlike can't feel pain or emotions, or anything for that matter, they'd be wrong, very wrong. We can't be wounded physically, though our essence can be damaged. We also tend to have bad habits, guardian spirits such as myself can often take on a personality trait from the person, or people, we watch over as well, maybe that's where I got my love of pork buns from… but yes, an example of the kind of bad habits we are prone to… hmm, well I tend to be very sarcastic, oh how I do love that. Oh, sorry I'm doing it again aren't I? Told you so… another of my bad habits if that I tend to rant and rave for a very long time… oh, I do apologise, I'm doing that right now aren't I? Sorry, I'll get back to the story, shall I? Where was I again…? Ummm…

The golden aura from Zhang Bao's hands grew brighter, so bright that anyone in the vicinity were forced to cover their eyes, including his own troops. All of a sudden the sun-like radiance dissipated and there, floating before the YCTPW general was, of all things… a chocolate biscuit. Everyone stared while he dunked it in his tea and nibbled it. A soldier bit his lip awkwardly and tapped Zhang Bao on the shoulder. "Ummm, sir?"

"What is it!" Bao snapped.

The soldier made a face. "Well, I think the reason Lord Zhang Jiao bestowed those powers upon you is that he wanted you to defeat those two over there," He said, pointing at Jian and Huang Gai, who immediately started looking around for 'Those two over there' in a futile attempt not to be noticed. "Particularly since your brother, Lord Zhang Liang, seems to think he's a superhero and is otherwise ineffectual."

Zhang Bao looked at the soldier in bewilderment. "How do you know that!"

The soldier directed Bao's attention towards the heavens. "Because he's flying around up there, sir."

Zhang Bao looked up. "Ah." To himself he muttered:"I always knew he was a nutter, ever since he said his first word. Who is 'Superman' anyway?"

The soldier unexpectedly jumped up. "Sir! They've got away!"

"What do I care?" Bao said in a bored tone.

"But, you were supposed to eliminate them!"

Bao sighed. "But it's my tea-break…"

Sun Jian and Huang Gai had indeed managed to get away, and were in considerably more trouble, as now they were standing just a few paces away from Zhang Jiao, Ruler of the Yellowy Coloured Turbans and the People Wearing them, Lord of Bare Feet, The Heaven-obsessed One himself. He raised his arms. "Infidels! Prepare to be judged!"

Sun Jian fainted, partly from fear, and partly from the smell of Zhang Jiao's feet. It was lucky, in fact, a miracle that, at that moment the unit that had been following Sun Jian with his precious pork buns ran across the path of Zhang Jiao, being chased by a unit of YCTPW. Gai felt an unsurpassable urge to light a bomb and throw it, and that's exactly what he did. The bomb narrowly missed the pork-bun-protectors and blew up Zhang Jiao instead.

It was Huang Gai's slight insanity that saved them that day. As it turns out, according to Fong Huang (Wei's guardian spirit), Zhang Jiao had been about to call up an extremely powerful spell that would make anyone within a certain distance sit down and jibber about bare feet for the rest of their lives. A potent enchantment, which Fong Huang assures me, even with the combined power of all three guardian spirits (Me, Fong Huang and Leu Long) could not be broken. Fong Huang is good with this kind of stuff so I assume she is correct.

So anyway that is how the YCTPW were defeated, and so on and so forth. You get the idea. Stay tuned…

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_YAY! It's longer!_

**AI: **That wasn't exactly soon was it? But it's longer this time!

**Quanny:** Heh, didn't see your review in time, sorry! Blink. Blink.

**CKN: **It's longer now! And more Huang Gai for your enjoyment!

**Jianus: **You mean, you're Jianus? Dies I'd never have guessed! As for Super Liao's outfit, you'd have to ask Super Zhang Liang.


	4. Chapter 4 Forgetmenot

_Argh! So sorry for the long wait! I've had horrid writer's block! But I've written it now!_

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Hmm? Oh, yes I'll carry on with this story now. My apologies for the long wait, I needed a catnap. Let's see… ah, of course. Si Shui gate…

After the short time of relative peace following the rebellion of the YCTPW, another odd little human decided he too would attempt to take over the land. Maybe it was becoming the new fashion… So anyway, this strange little person, known as Dong Zhuo, Lord Dong Zhuo, Zhuo or That Warty Old Toad to his 'fellow' humans, went and made himself the Prime Minister after disposing of the rightful heir to the throne and replacing him with the puppet Emperor Xian, who really was a puppet…

I can imagine that you are thoroughly bored with the modern version of what happened at the battle of Si Shui gate. I am too. What really happened is as follows…

Yuan Shao looked around imperiously. "Right then. We all know what we're doing, correct?"

The occupants of the room nodded as one.

"Good."

There was an awkward silence. Yuan Shao sat there eating grapes. After a while he looked around the room and took a deep breath. "Okay. So we all know what it is that we're all supposed to be doing, right?"

The other generals looked a little puzzled for a moment, but they nodded anyway.

Yuan Shao smiled. "Excellent."

There was another uncomfortable pause.

Yuan Shao chewed a grape. "So, I am correct in thinking that we all know what to do?"

The generals were completely perplexed by now. They nodded slowly.

"Wonderful."

Shao studied a grape for what seemed like an age. He sighed. "As a result of listening to the plan, I am assuming that we all know what to do, true?"

Cao Cao frowned and turned to Liu Bei. "Am I the only one who keeps having repeated déja vu?"  
Liu Bei shook his head. "No… I don't know why, but I keep getting that too…"

Cao Cao stroked his goatee. "Hmmm… I wonder why…"

Yuan Shu groaned. He was the only one in the room that knew about his father's short term memory loss.

_At the battle, when the Generals had finally managed to escape Yuan Shao…_

The army was charging out on to the battlefield, cutting down the swarms of indigo soldiers as they went. Liu Bei's unit had just arrived to help Yuan Shu and morale was high.

That was when the problems started.

Yuan Shu gave a theatrical shriek. "Oh no! There's an enemy base in the way! Oh well," He shrugged. "It looks like we can't deliver the supplies to lord Sun Jian!"

A private gawked at him. "Sir, why don't we just take the base?"

Yuan Shu glowered at him. "Thanks a bunch."

"What!"

"Huh? Oh nothing, nothing at all! Not like I don't want to give the supplies to Lord Sun Jian or anything like that…" He laughed nervously.

The private stared. "Whatever." And he walked off, muttering something that sounded suspiciously like: "Weirdo…"

The base was easily taken and the supplies were taken to Sun Jian. Sun Jian's forces ate too many pork buns and got indigestion. Cao Cao and Liu Bei were arguing over cabbage. Yuan Shao had forgotten where he was and what he was doing. Yuan Shu was completely put off. Life was good. For about three seconds.

Without warning, a cockroach sitting on a crimson rabbit burst forth from Si Shui gate. Yup. A giant cockroach on a huge red bunny rabbit. I have witnesses.

"WHO DARES FACE THE MIGHTY LU BU!"

A troop screamed. "It…it…i...it…i…m…Lu… rabb…cockro…"

This went on for a little while and the other troops, the cockroach and his rabbit waited patiently for the private to finish.

"I…Bu… red… i… is… oh… he…help u…wha…bu…we…bunn…feath… IT'S LU BU!"

By this time Lu Bu and the other soldiers had fallen asleep, giving Cao Cao and Liu Bei, who were still rambling on about cabbage, the opportunity to sneak into the enemy camp…

For anyone who thinks that Hua Xiong will be defeated and the land will live in peace forever more and this will be an unforgivably short chapter, you are entirely wrong. If only life was that simple…

For outside of the gate, Lu Bu was awakening… and it looked like he was getting up the wrong side of bed… err, floor…

Lu Bu roared. The private started stuttering again. Cao Cao and Liu Bei finally shut up. The red bunny rabbit nibbled on a giant pink carrot. Yuan Shu fainted. Yuan Shao had no idea what was going on.

Shao grinned and walked up to Lu Bu. "I say, nice pony, sir."

Lu Bu stared. "Ummm… that's not a pony…"

"Hmmm, well I hate to disagree, but I think you'll find that it's snowing."

"Ahh," Lu Bu paused. "I didn't say anything about the weather…"

"No, no, no. You just can't wear a pink skirt with a green t-shirt!"

Lu Bu was thoroughly confused by now. "Huh?"

"Ah, well. We can't all have so many doorknobs as I do…"

Lu Bu was totally bewildered. And when he was totally bewildered, he tended to start breaking things.

"I am totally bewildered, and when I am totally bewildered, I tend to start breaking things."

Ah. You can see where I got my lines from, huh?

Yuan Shao smiled. "Nice to meet you!"

It is not recorded in any of the history volumes I have read that Yuan Shao had a memory like a sieve. Just goes to show how much modern historians know… they don't even think I exist! The cheek!

Lu Bu was furious. Steam spouted from his nose and ears as he advanced towards Yuan Shao.

Shao grinned. "Someone left the kettle on."

Lu Bu took a step towards Yuan Shao and raised his halberd high above his head. "DIE FORGETFUL SCUM!"

And that is where my memory fails me. Only kidding, I remember every single detail; I just want to pause for dramatic effect. You probably know what happens anyway. Hmm… so yes, my dramatic pause: ………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………….. All done.

Lu Bu brought down his halberd and everyone screwed their eyes tightly shut as Shao grinned up at Lu Bu. The generals and troops surrounding them covered their eyes. Lu Bu gave an almighty cry… and slowly lowered his halberd, looking confused.

"Hang on… what am I doing? What's going on? Where am I? _Who _am I?"

Yuan Shu groaned. "It's contagious…"

A private near him sighed. "And catching…"

Hua Xiong was eventually driven mad by Lu Bu's forgetfulness and surrendered to the Han forces when they told him it was contagious… and catching.

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_FINISHED THE CHAPTER! Finally..._

**Jianus: **Aww, it's okay, I sent Washington Jiao to hospital. And the octupus will be back... so stay tuned...

**CKN: **Too kind. Tea _is_ grown in China you know. And if it wasn't for the pork-bun carriers, Huang Gai would never have killed Zhang Jiao, so you have a lot to thank them for really, not a bad way to go...


	5. Chapter 5 The battle at the other gate

_Finally, Hu Lao gate..._

_Disclaimer: Just as a reminder, I do NOT own Dynasty Warriors!_

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Shortly after the battle of Si Shui gate Dong Zhuo himself decided to engage the Han army with his own, main force. At a place called Hu Lao gate. Dong Zhuo liked his gates. Again, Yuan Shao would be leading the Han forces to victory… or, in the worst-case scenario: to total forgetfulness. In case the latter became reality, troops were put through a drill code named 'Contagious… and catching.'… 

"Right, you all happy with that?"

"YES SIR!"

Another session of the 'Contagious... and catching' Drill had just ended, and Huang Gai was making sure that the troops knew what to do.

One sergeant frowned. "Happy with what!"

The result: instant turmoil.

"CODE BLUE! FORGETFULNESS IMMINENT!"

The swarm of troops got into pairs and gabbled out random personal facts to each other. Their conversations went something like this:

"Hi! I'm Hua Bei, I love eating rice and my sister once dyed my hair green."

"Nice to meet you, I'm Zhu Sha, and I think Huang Gai should wash himself 'cos he stinks!"

Huang Gai glared at Zhu Sha.

Amidst the noise of people yelling weird and wonderful facts about themselves to each other a certain sergeant unexpectedly snorted, giggled, chuckled and then rolled on the floor laughing his head off. All heads turned his way.

"Hah! You fell for it! You thought I really had lost my memory!"

The troops exchanged meaningful glances. One walked up to the sergeant and prodded him.

"What are you talking about? Who are you?"

The sergeant stopped laughing. "Heh, very funny."

Another troop looked confusedly at him. "I don't look like cabbage, do I?"

The sergeant got up and backed away "Yeah, yeah, joke's over guys…"

One of the new recruits grinned stupidly. "Yeah, Huang Gai's Grandma _does_ look like a donkey!"

"Umm, guys?" The sergeant's eyes widened and he backed off, veerrryy slooowwlly…

"I like cheese."

The sergeant ran off, as fast as his legs could carry him.

And as soon as he was out of sight…

"Sucker…"

"Yeah, can't believe he fell for it."

"Hmm…"

Huang Gai turned to the new recruit, frowning. "There was no need for the donkey-grandma comment though."

All that and I haven't even finished introducing the chapter yet. You just wait 'till Chi Bi. I will go on and on in that chapter. I still haven't stopped gloating over the fact that Wu defeated Wei even though the odds were against them. Ahem, I'm getting ahead of myself here. So, yeah, as I was saying, the Han forces were busy preparing for the upcoming battle, meanwhile however, someone was having trouble convincing two comrades to allow them to fight in the battle that most of the troops were all too eager to escape from…

"Pleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleaseplease?"

"No."

Diao Chan pouted. She had already asked the same question to Lu Bu 30… no more like 40 times.

"Pleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleaseplease?"

"No."

"Pleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleaseplease?"

"No."

"Pleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleaseplease?"

"No."

"Pleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleaseplease?"

"No."

Zhang Liao gaped at her.

"What?"

"Well… it's nothing really…but…"

"But?"

"I was just wondering… how is it that you manage to say 'please' the same number of times every time you ask?"

Don't believe him? He's right. Look back. How many times does she say 'please' in her first question? 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, no, wait! Stop at eight! Oooh… I made a rhyme… no, wait; stop at eight… hmmm… ahem. Yes, so eight 'pleases', okay. And the next time? 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9… not nine, eight… I knew that… ah, yes… so eight times, yeah. I'll shut up now.

Lu Bu thought about it. You could almost hear the cogs turning in his head. "Yeeaah… you do… do you, like, count or something?"

"No, I…" Diao Chan suddenly flew into a rage. "STOP TRYING TO CHANGE THE SUBJECT!"

"I… wasn't… whatever…" Zhang Liao trailed off.

"Soooo, can I go?"

"No."

"Yes."

"No."

"Yes."

"No."

"Yes."

"No."

"No."

"Yes."

Diao Chan gave an unexpected grin and hugged Lu Bu. "Thank you!"

He blinked as she ran off. "What just happened?"

Zhang Liao sighed. "You only just went and let her take part in the battle."

"Oh."

The battle had begun. The front lines had just engaged their enemies. But, Diao

Chan had still not turned up…

Lu Bu watched as Diao Chan came running towards him.

Okay, I take that back. Even_ I_ can't get everything right.

Lu Bu sighed. "Listen. I'm sorry, but you just can't take part in this battle."

"And why not!"

"Well, you see," Liao began. "It's much too dangerous, you don't have any weapons, you've never set foot on a battlefield before, and you're wearing a pink dress."

"What's wrong with my dress?" Diao Chan muttered to herself. She ran off.

And came back a few minutes later. Holding two metal sticks with pork buns on the end, and wearing a violet version of the dress she had been wearing earlier.

Lu Bu and Zhang Liao surveyed her. "Those are weapons!" They enquired in unison.

"Yes."

"Right… sure." Zhang Liao paused. "You still can't go."

"Why? I've gotta do something interesting for once! I mean, sitting around trying to convince The Almighty Lump over there that he's gotta kill Dong Zhuo is alright and everything, and I know I've gotta do that for Daddy, but it can get a bit boring…"

The cockroachlooked shocked. "What was that!"

"Umm… did I say that aloud? Err, nothing!"

"Okay…" Zhang Liao sighed. "Fine! You can go, just don't get into too much trouble, okay?"

"Yay!" Diao Chan hugged him. "Thanks!" And with that, she ran off into the horizon, brandishing her pork buns-on-sticks, and looking more like she was off to a barbeque than a battle.

Hu Lao gate was surrounded by Han troops. A swirl of sapphire, emerald, ruby and gold. All wreaking havoc on the amethyst troops around them. Quite an expensive battle when you think about it.

The gate opened. Sun Jian looked up. He had always wondered how the gates managed to open, without anyone opening them.

"OKAY!" He yelled. "NOW, GO IN THERE AND KIL-… WELL, CIRCLE DONG ZHUO AND ATTACK HIM ONCE OR TWICE!"

The troops grinned as one. Circling people and attacking them once or twice was what they did best.

Dong Zhuo was surrounded. Death… well, being circled and attacked once or twice awaited him on all sides. But he still had an ace up his sleeve… literally.

Dong Zhuo pulled a puppet from his sleeve. So there. That's what I said. I don't speak figuratively. What do you mean a puppet isn't an ace? Oh. Well… maybe I do use figurative language sometimes… I'm ranting again aren't I? I'll get on with the story now.

"You kill me, and Emperor Xian here gets it!" Dong Zhuo grinned manically.

I told you so. Confused? Have no idea what I'm on about? Maybe looking back at the beginning of the last chapter will enlighten you. Wait! Come back! I'll just write it here and save you the bother, I know humans can be very lazy sometimes…

'…_went and made himself the Prime Minister after disposing of the rightful heir to the throne and replacing him with the puppet Emperor Xian, who really was a puppet…' _See? Now don't go saying that I never hint on anything. I do.

The deadly silence was broken by snorts and giggles. One private almost choked on the apple he was eating. Dong Zhuo looked offended. "What!"

Yuan Shao strolled up. "Oh, hello."

A few troops hid in fear of becoming just as forgetful as their commander. The latter smiled simply at Dong Zhuo.

"Have we met?"

Dong Zhuo, who had readying himself for an attack by Yuan Shao, was caught off guard. "I don't-"

"Strange." Yuan Shao interrupted. "There seems to be in lady carrying pork bun kebabs behind you…"

Dong Zhuo looked at him oddly and turned round. Diao Chan was whacking a rather confused looking Han troop and not having much success. None at all in fact.

"Wha-"

And that is where he was hit by something and died, that is also where this chapter ends.

THE END!

Only kidding. You have no idea who or what killed him, and I hate to leave my readers hanging… so I'll tell you. What really happened wasthis………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………  
………………………………Hmmm? Oh, sorry to keep you hanging, I had a horrible itch just behind my left ear, just _had_ to scratch it. Ahem, I suppose you want me to tell you what killed him? Well, let me enlighten you: '_One private almost choked on the apple he was eating.'_ Remember him? Well, when Dong Zhuo turned round to look at Diao Chan, the private threw his apple at a nearby hedge, missing it by at least three meters and hitting Dong Zhuo. Ever heard the phrase: 'An apple a day keeps the doctor away'? Don't listen to it.

A celebration was being held in the Han main camp. Yellow, scarlet, azure and bottle green fireworks were detonating in the blue-black sky, lighting up the stars. The fire in the torch brackets burned, illuminating the cheerful faces of the weary troops. I myself was curled up in a corner with Fong Huang (Wei's phoenix, remember?) and Leu Long (Shu's Dragon). All very cosy. But-

"_I DON'T SEE WHY YOU THINK PHOENIXES ARE BETTER THAN DRAGONS!" _Liu Bei complained.

Fong Huang and Leu Long looked up.

"_BECAUSE," _Cao Cao yelled._ "YOU PEA-BRAINED PRAT, PHOENIXES ARE MUCH MORE MAJESTIC!"_

Fong Huang smirked. Yeah, I know what you're thinking, a phoenix smirking? Well, I dunno how, but she does.

"_OH, GIVE ME A BREAK! YOU ARE BOTH WRONG, TIGERS ARE FAR BETTER!" _Sun Jian roared.

I purred. Sometimes I really loved that guy.

"**_AND WHY IS THAT!" _**Cao Cao and Liu Bei shouted in unison.

"_BECAUSE THEY ARE A GREAT DEAL MORE REGAL!"_

I beamed with pride. Leu Long and Fong Huang humphed.

"_WELL, DRAGONS ARE STILL MORE GRACEFUL AND – AND…"_ Liu Bei was running out of adjectives.

Leu Long smiled uncertainly.

Cao Cao turned round and dripped eye-drops into his eyes and down his face. He turned to face Liu Bei and Sun Jian. "Well… if that's how you both feel, then maybe we ought to take our separate paths…" Cao Cao sobbed, brushing away the fake tears.

Sun Jian nodded. "Very well."

They both walked off, leaving Liu Bei standing there. "I suppose I don't have much choice do I? I shall take my separate path, to restore the path of the Han!"

Leu Long hid his face in his paws. "Why me?"

And so that is how the Han Dynasty came to an end, and Wu, Wei, and Shu emerged…

* * *

_My longest chapter yet, I think... As Mongie said, you just wait until Chi Bi..._

**Jianus: **Is Washington Jiao OK? Yes, the squid will be back, and you're welcome, I like responding.

**Crazy Insanity: **Glad to be of service! Yes, the mighty cockroach!


	6. Chapter 6 The Imperial Seal

_Yes! I have finally written a chapter! Go me. (No writer's block this time, I'm just lazy.. :p)_

* * *

The time had come for Sun Jian, Cao Cao and Liu Bei to strike out on their own, and they seized the opportunity with both hands. Well, I tell a lie; Cao Cao was rather over-confident and thought that only one hand was needed to grasp this opportunity. However, I am not about to confuse you with the complications of his actions, or for that matter, what on Earth I mean by that. We are far more interested in Sun Jian and his family.

"Daddy?" Seven-year-old Sun Shang Xiang tugged at her father's sleeve. "Daddy!"

"Yes, sweetie?"

The little girl pouted. "Ce won't let me play with him, and Quan's being boring!"

Sun Jian patted her on the head. He always did show particular affection for his only daughter. "Don't worry Shang sweetie, I'll make sure nasty old Ce does what he's told." He turned and walked up a flight of stairs, Shang Xiang tottering after him, having trouble keeping up with his long strides. "CE! COME HERE RIGHT NOW!"

Just down the corridor, Sun Ce and his best friend Zhou Yu were walking along, going to try and convince Huang Gai to make the combat training sessions for the Sun children slightly later in the morning, or at least not 4am.

"CE! GET OVER HERE!"

Zhou Yu smirked. "That'll be your father, annoyed that you denied Shang Xiang the right to play with you. I did warn you."

"Shut up, Yu."

"It's your own fault."

"CE!"

"Coming, Dad!" the fifteen-year-old muttered and strode down the hallway to Jian.

Sun Jian folded his arms and tapped his foot on the stone floor. "Ce. Why did you not allow your little sister to join in?"

Ce glared at Shang Xiang. "Telltale." He whispered. His sister stuck her tongue out at him.

"Ce?"

He looked up. "Ah…. Errr…Ummm"

Zhou Yu walked down the hall towards them and interrupted. "Forgive us, Lord Sun Jian, but Ce and I were merely advising little Lady Sun here that perhaps Sun Quan would be of more interest to her. Completing a written test set by Lord Huang Gai is probably not her idea of fun. However, she could join us if she pleases."

There was a momentary silence as everyone processed what Zhou Yu had just said. Not that they were stupid, but conversations in the Sun family household usually consisted of yelled short phrases and barked words, so whenever Zhou Yu spoke it took everyone a while to adjust to the fact that he was actually making sense.

"Ah, yes. Ummm, of course…" Sun Jian muttered, still not quite sure what Yu had meant.

Shang Xiang beamed. "Ya mean… I can come play with you guys?"

"Umm… yes, I suppose, Lady Sun."

"Yay!" Shang Xiang hugged him, let go, walked over to her brother and kicked him in the shin. "See? Zhou Yu would be a good big brother! You're useless!"

"Ow!" Sun Ce rubbed his shin. "Dad! Shang kicked me!"

"Oh, c'mon Ce! You're eight years older than her! You should be able to fend for yourself!" Jian scolded. Shang stuck her tongue out at her elder brother. Ce groaned.

"Yes. Father is right." Quan stepped over to them. "Anyway, don't you think that Shang Xiang deserves attention from her older brother?"

"Oh, gimme a break! I mean-"

Zhou Yu stooped down slightly and whispered something to Sun Shang Xiang.

Shang Xiang frowned. "Qua-an… you didn't let me play with you either… you said that I was an annoying little brat and that I should go play with Sun Ce."

Quan turned crimson. Ce grinned. "Soo, the truth comes out…"

"Wha- no! I said nothing of the sort! Father, Shang Xiang is lying!" Sun Quan blustered.

Sun Jian rounded on the middle child. "How dare you accuse your little sister of such a thing! Come with me, young man." He placed a hand on Quan's back and steered him away.

Ce sighed in relief. "Hey, Shang, did Quan really say that?"

"No." Replied Shang Xiang and Yu in unison. Ce looked at his best friend, mystified. "How do you know what Quan said? You weren't there."

"He knows 'cos he told me to say that!" Sun Shang Xiang piped up.

A few hours later, Ce was sitting on his bed, fiddling with a statue of a tiger (and not just any old tiger. Cough cough, wink wink, nudge nudge. … ME! Okay? Thank you) while Zhou Yu finished off Ce's test paper for him. Shang Xiang was asleep on the bed. Zhou Yu placed his brush down. "There. Finished. Lazybones."

Ce jumped up and snatched the paper from the desk. "Ha! Thanks Yu! Huang Gai'll give me top marks!"

"Assuming I gave the correct answers."

"Of course you did, you always do."

"Ah, but what if I purposefully put down the incorrect answers so Huang Gai thinks you're completely incapable of fighting in an actual battle?"

"Then I shall kill you."

"But you won't be able to, being _completely incapable of fighting._" Zhou Yu smirked as his friend glared at him.

"Shut up."

"That the best response you can come up with?"

There was a pause. "…Yes."

"No! You can't make me! Never! No, no, no, no, no!"

Yu and Ce looked up. Shang Xiang was tossing and turning, muttering in her dreams. "No! I don't want to!"

Zhou Yu stood up and walked towards her. "Ummm, Lady Sun? Are you okay?"

Shang Xiang woke up with a jolt. Zhou Yu leapt back. The little girl's eyes widened. "No! You are NOT gonna make me! I am NEVER gonna take my play sword away!"

Zhou Yu frowned. "Ah, no-one is trying to do anything like that…"

Ce snorted. "Shang… wake up."

Ahem. I shall interrupt now. I couldn't wait much longer, sorry. Anyway, that is just a taster of what Sun family life was like. In the beginning. Believe me when I say this: It gets worse. Much worse. Or much better, depending on how you look at it. And this is what I lived through. Well, when I say I lived… well, I was… and still am, alive… kind of… in a way… well, at least I wasn't dead. I dunno. It's confusing. Go ask Fong Huang about it. No! Don't! Stay here! Thank you. So, as I was saying… umm, what was I saying? I'll just shut up.

A few days after the aforementioned events, Sun Jian heard rumours of the Imperial Seal being in a village, I forget where, and so set off to find it. And he did. Down a well. But it wasn't quite what he was expecting…

"Sir! Lord Sun Jian!"

"Yes? Spit it out!"

"Well…" The messenger looked nervously at his lord. "Do you want the good news or the bad news?"

"The good news?"

"We have found the Imperial Seal!"

Sun Jian cheered and hi-fived Huang Gai. "Haha!"

Huang Gai's grin faded from his face, to be replaced by his customary frown. "And the bad news…?"

"… It's… a … a seal."

Jian rolled his eyes. "Yes, I know. That is why it is called the Imperial _Seal!_"

"Sir, you don't understand…"

"I understand perfectly well. Are you questioning your lord's intelligence?"

""No, my lord… but… look." He gestured to something. Gai and Jian craned in to look…

A small grey seal flopped into view. The kind of seal that lies around on beaches. Sun Jian and Huang Gai stared. The messenger sighed.

"I hate to say I told you so-"

"Then don't."

"Urp!"

Sun Jian slapped his own forehead. "Right. Well this was a disaster. Let's just… go home."

So, the army, disappointed, trudged home. Well, they began the journey home. But they barely took a few steps before…

"I WANT THE SEAL!"

The sound of horses' hooves pounding the ground reached the ears of every soldier there. Except the deaf ones, or the ones that weren't listening of course.

"What?" Sun Jian said, "He _wants_ the seal?"

Liu Biao galloped into view. "Yes. Why do you look so surprised?"

"Umm… _nothing_… nothing at all. Anyway-"

"I will fight you for it! ARMY, CHARGE!"

"ARRRRHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" cheered Liu Bei's army, charging forward.

"AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" screamed Sun Jian's army, running away.

"DADDY!"

Sun Shang Xiang ran over to her father and threw her tiny arms around him.

"Shang Xiang!"

Ce and Quan stood behind their sister expectantly. "Well?"

Sun Jian groaned. "It was a catastrophe."

"Did you get the seal?"

"Oh, yes."

"So what's the problem?"

"Oh nothing. JUST THE FACT IT'S A SEAL!"

Ce, Quan and even little Shang Xiang exchanged glances.

"Errr…" Sun Ce said hesitantly, "D'you want to come and have a lie down, Dad?"

"NO! HUANG GAI! SHOW THEM!"

Huang Gai grimaced and removed the seal from its cart, placing it in front of the Sun children.

"Oh."

"-and then he just ordered his army to attack us!" Sun Jian blinked. "Hold on. He attacked us!

Huang Gai sighed.

I did too.

"Dad, this is stupid."

"Erm… Ce has a point…"

"ZIP IT! Wait… what's a zip?"

Yu and Ce looked exasperatedly at each other.

"Lord Sun Jian. We don't have to attack him. We have the seal."

"Are you questioning my intelligence?"

"No… but-"

"ZIP IT THEN! And tell me what a zip is."

"I don't know."

"I TOLD YOU TO ZIP IT! I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS!"

Jian stormed off.

"Huang Zu. It is up to you to defeat Sun Jian."

Huang Zu saluted. "Yes sir."

"Don't call me sir."

"But it's polite."

"No it is _not_! It is extremely rude."

"Okay…"

"Okay _sir_"

"Why are you calling me sir, sir?"

"I'm not! I'm correcting you. AND DON'T CALL ME SIR!"

Huang Zu backed away. Veerry slowly.

"…Call me Supreme Master of the Universe and Beyond and Beyond Beyond as well."

"HA!" Sun Jian said with a triumphant grin. "I beat you, Huang Zu. I WIN!"

"Yes..."

"I AM ALL-POWERFUL! NO-ONE CAN STOP ME!"

"Whatever you say, Lord Sun Jian…"

"YES! WHATEVER I SAY. AND I SAY I WANT A DRINK. I'm thirsty."

"Erm, Dad…"

"HAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAA!"

"Dad?"  
"HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAA!"

"_DAD_!"

"Hmm? Yes Ce?"

"… That's not Huang Zu."

"What?"  
The private stood up and dusted himself down. He glared at Sun Jian and walked off.

Huang Zu strode purposefully into the battlefield-

-and was knocked over by a horse.

Sun Jian's horse

A blue, semi-transparent bar appeared in front of Sun Jian's vision.

_Huang Zu has been defeated by Sun Jian!_

"Ooooh!" He oooohed.

Huang Zu heaved himself off the ground. And ran off towards the Han River.

Huang Zu is retreating across the river!

"Ooooooooooh!"

Sun Jian pursued him across the river.

Tension filled the entire battlefield. An icy chill swept over Jingzhou. Time seemed to come to a halt…

…And sprinted back with the logs that were rolling down the hill towards Sun Jian. I realised what was happening. I tore down the hill at supernatural speed.

There was a loud crash. Then silence. I was too late. Supernatural speed wasn't fast enough.

I sat next to the pile of wood that buried Sun Jian. Spirits can't cry, but if we could, I would have done.

I heard the sound of footsteps. I retreated into the shadows.

"DAD!" Sun Ce yelled, "NO!"

I, the _guardian spirit_ of Wu, had failed to protect Wu's leader. I bowed my head in shame.

"I don't believe it. This can't be happening."

"…I'm not going to be the one to tell Shang Xiang." Yu muttered.

"Lord Sun Ce? Lord Zhou Yu?" Huang Gai strode over. "I think we should go."

"But…" Ce started.

"The battle's lost." Huang Gai laid a hand on his shoulder. "I'm sorry. Not a nice memory of a first battle, is it?"

That was how the demise of Sun Jian, father of Wu, happened. I couldn't help feeling that it was all my fault.

* * *

_Awww... I've made myself all depressed now :p. _

_Hope you liked it!_


	7. Chapter 7 Getting rid of the Seal

_Hello again. I haven't got anything more interesting to say._

* * *

Now that Sun Jian lived no more, his legacy passed to his eldest son, Sun Ce.

BIG mistake in my opinion.

But, as useless, dumb, hopeless, dense, ineffectual, dim, worthless, thick, unsuccessful and just plain daft, as he was, the young whippersnapperschnipperschnopper did do some things right.

I did say _some._

And most of those were accidental, or misunderstandings.

One such some accidental misunderstanding was getting rid of the Imperial Seal.

"What kind of idiotic nincompoop would accept the Imperial _seal_?" I hear you cry. Actually, you didn't cry that, and so obviously, I didn't hear you, but let's pretend you did and I did, just so we can get on with the story, and I can stop saying 'you' and increasing the risk of being repeatedly prodded from a distance with a long wooden rod by the wonderful staff of this website. Incidentally, if you did cry out, "What kind of idiotic nincompoop would accept the Imperial _seal_?", then please accept my humble apologies for this pointless, long rant, and allow me to inform you that this is, in fact, written down, and there is no way I can possibly hear you.

Anyway, assuming you did cry out, "What kind of idiotic nincompoop would accept the Imperial _seal_?", the answer is simple.

The kind of idiotic nincompoop that has a dumbbell with a memory deficiency for a father.

The kind of idiotic nincompoop that has a moron with a memory like a sieve with extra holes for a father.

The kind of idiotic nincompoop that has _Yuan Shao_ for a father.

In other words, for the more dim-witted readers, Yuan Shu.

You see, Sun Ce decided that to sufficiently beat up lots of people, soldiers were needed. He was a real genius, this Sun Ce.

So Sun Ce went to his stables and rode the pwettiest pony there all the way to Yuan Shu's house, with the seal.

He rang the doorbell.

No-one answered.

He rang it again.

Again, no-one answered.

That is when Ce noticed the signed pinned on the door:

"_Please knock; doorbell in need of inventing."_

He knocked.

"Hello?"

Sun Ce let out a horrible, ear piercing, girly shriek.

The giant octopus examined the earrings on its newly-pierced, barely-existent ears. "I don't like amethysts." It grumbled.

Ce was about to ask if Yuan Shu was in, when a yellow streak shot across the sky. The giant octopus groaned. "Please, no."

"DO NOT FEAR! SUPER ZHANG LIANG IS HERE!" The super-zero landed, and gave Ce an apologetic grin. "I've already used that line." He explained. "In chapter three."

The octopus screamed. "STOP STALKING ME!" It screeched at Super Zhang Liang, squirting him with pink ink.

Super Zhang Liang spat out some ink. "It was black last time." He said, in-between gagging.

"I know," replied the octopus, "But pink rhymes with ink so…"

"Ah, but, my good fellow, this is no poem."

"You don't say. And anyway, there is no need to be in a poem to be able to rhyme."

"Yet, of course-"

Sun Ce left them to it. He had more important business to deal with. And besides, he had lost track of the conversation a long time ago.

"So whaddaya think? A mere 3000 soldiers in return for the Imperial Seal. I'm practically giving it away! A bargain!"

Yuan Shu pretended to think about it. His father's memory loss was definitely contagious and catching, and now even _he_ found it hard to think straight without forgetting what he was thinking about.

"It's a deal."

Yuan Shao walked in. "Hmm? What is?"

"Erm, Seal for… I don't know." Admitted his son.

"Don't know what?"

Shu shrugged. Ha! Alliteration! Shu shrugged, Shu shrugged, Shu shrugged! Ahem.

Sun Ce decided it was probably best to get out of here fast, before he caught the sieve syndrome. After all, it was contagious and catching.

"I… will… leave… the… seal… out… side… for …you." Sun Ce said, speaking very slowly and clearly.

Both Yuans hiccupped.

Sun Ce backed away slowly… and ran. And then got on his pony and galloped off, never to return again…

Well, actually he returned the next week for a tea party. To which the octopus and all remaining Zhang brothers had been invited to. But that's another story.

I lie. It's the same one…

"A VERY MERRY UN-BIRTHDAY TO YOU! TO YOU!"

On second thought, you probably don't want to know.

* * *

_THE OCTOPUS RETURNS!_

_Anyway, please R&R! 17 hits for the last chapter and not a single review! Come on people! The octopus will love you for it!_


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